The Case of the Phantom Trolling Gall Bladder

"So... you're saying that you used to be thirty pounds... heavier."

A counselor is judged on their ability to regulate their own emotions and reactions. If everything that happens in your client's life sends you into the sort of hysterics that they're in, you're not helping. If you're always laughing along with them, you're not staying on topic. And if your patient is looking to get a rise out of you and you take the bait, you can expect more of that garbage in the future. You have to train yourself to be able to take anything that comes out of their mouths and respond in a way that is best for that client, while still being true to yourself. Sometimes, this means hearing them out when it is literally impossible for you to care less, and usually, I'm good at keeping myself well-regulated.

"Oh, yeah! After my gall bladder got infected I was just sick and leaking out every hole in my body. Couldn't eat anything more than crackers and Gatorade. I lost a lot of weight."
"But, you..."
"Mmm?"


...Usually.

"Oh, nothing. It's just that you're already three inches shorter and at least fifty pounds heavier than your profile stated, and I just drove fifty miles down to this damn city to meet up with you. Now you tell me that you're still this big after you lost the ability to eat fatty, greasy foods- and you're not even really a red head?"


At least, that's what I said in my mind. What actually came out was this:

"Nothing. I forgot." And I looked back at the TV while she ate whatever it was she was eating. Damn my inability to be intentionally rude.

---
Now then! Just what the hell am I talking about, and why am I being a hypocrite about bigger ladies? Fear not, dear reader, there's a reason for my apparent flip-flop. First, allow me to explain what I'm talking about.

A buddy of mine recently met someone on a dating website. He will not shut up about her. While I'm happy for him, it did get me thinking about internet dating as a whole. And while it can go very right, it can also go very, very wrong. So, while he continues foaming at the mouth about his aforementioned strumpet, I decided to write about some of the dates I've had that resulted from online encounters.
Now, let me defend myself. I stated in a previous blog that there is no need to be ashamed of your form if you're naturally a bigger girl (the same would hold true for dudes I suppose); you just have to know yourself, take care of yourself, and rock what you've got. I said there was a STARK difference between a bigger girl with some bodacious curves and someone who would just get eaten by the pack of velociraptors first. The girl I was stuck on a date with was not only poster child for the latter, she'd outright lied about it by posting pictures from years ago that depicted her as a far thinner (read: actually attractive) redhead. But she didn't exactly make up for it in conversation either.
---

"Look at those two guys running!" She said, as we were stopped at the light coming back from our meal.
"Mmm," I agreed, happy to be focusing on anything except my date, "The one guy is totally dusting his buddy." It was true; I assume they were together because it looked like they were wearing similar team-themed shirts, but the thinner guy was half a block farther than his clearly-winded companion.


"At least he's trying, though," she said, and I nodded.
"Yeah. Better to be practicing than to say 'aw fuck it'."
"Yeah. I never run, actually."
"No?" I ask, my eyes veritably rolling out of my head.
"Nope!" she said cheerfully, and grabbed her breasts to give them a good squeeze. "It's these things right here."


Had she really just...? "You don't say," I said, even though she clearly had.
"Oh yeah!" She giggled and accelerated from our now-green stoplight. "An extra fifteen pounds just floppin' around up here. Some people ask me if I give myself a black eye with 'em. But nope! I just don't run."


---
Now, if you're Tucker Max, you might know a funnier way to respond to this than I did. If you're Richard Simmons, you might know a way to turn the conversation into a morale-boosting kick in the pants to get physical. And if you're this guy... well, if you're that guy, you're ridiculously photogenic and you probably don't need OKCupid to get a date. But I digress.
Who talks about that sort of thing on a first date when the other person is clearly not interested? Who talks about that even if they are? Are we goddamned barbarians? You've got to keep it classy, everyone. There's always going to be a degree of awkwardness on a blind date, but you're putting your best foot forward.